A Reflection on our Work (Part 1 of 2)

By Rachel D’Souza Siebert

I have spent my whole life in St. Louis, Missouri. As the daughter of South Asian immigrants who became naturalized citizens before my birth, I have always felt “other”.  St. Louis largely avoids, ignores and smooths-over its racist reality, which is deeply rooted in a black-white binary. We also erase those indigenous communities who still cultivate this land, and the non-black people of color who make their homes and build their lives across our region. 

The otherness is unavoidable when you are not white in this country but especially here in St. Louis when you are neither white nor black. Simply existing in this community is to be tokenized.  As early as I can remember, I knew when to lean into whiteness, and I knew when it was safe to celebrate my brownness - and I definitely knew to keep a distance from blackness. I can’t tell you why or how since my family of origin includes white, brown, and black folks. I can only tell you what I felt. And as time passed, I had to make a conscious, explicit effort to unlearn my unconscious biases. It started with attending NCCJ’s Anytown Youth Leadership Institute in 1999 and continues to this day. This kind of work - unlearning racism & whiteness - doesn’t have an end date. 

When I started my consultancy in 2015, I sought to build a business around my realities - as a non-black woman of color with two small children who possessed an anti-racist vision for our region. Right out of the gate, I was told by a well-regarded white consultant that it really wasn’t my turn yet and that I should work for someone else where I could learn how to do this work. I spoke with my husband that night and decided that I was going to give Gladiator Consulting my all - and if it failed, I would fail fast, learn and move on. Five years later, my experience has been far from failure. 

Through many connections with many organizations over the last few years, it became clear that the very sector that positions nonprofit capacity building as its north star has been willfully asleep at the wheel of equity and justice. Make no mistake - this is by design.  The nonprofit sector, deeply mired in white supremacy culture characteristics, refuses to get out of its own paternalistic way and center the lived expertise of black and brown folx. Alongside my team, I have worked hard to meet our clients where they are, learn about the systems that hold them back and co-create new ways of achieving their vision. We have built an internal culture that respects our varying identities and challenges the biases we bring to our work. We are not perfect, we do not do perfect work and I am endlessly proud of what I am building with my passionate and imperfect team. 

So.

I have to say that this recent tsunami of white consultants suddenly interested in “diversity” work is disrespectful and racist AF.  It seems white consultants have so much privilege that it didn’t even occur to them to do anything other than live into white supremacy culture and call themselves experts to create a new revenue stream. I want to say that again: If you are a white consultant and you find yourself eager to get a piece of the “DEI” pie, you are acting with privilege and explicitly racist intentions. 

If you see dollar signs in the opportunity to offer “training” “networking” and “power-building” to communities of color…

If you position yourself as an expert and haven’t actually been in the trenches of this work… 

If you have lived in this community and have not marched in the streets but you plan to profit off of white leaders seeking “DEI Workshops” for their teams…

If you are talking about organizational culture and institutional practices without sitting in the discomfort of your own racism and bias…

If you invite people (especially womxn of color) into your organization without reflecting on and owning your role in a racist system… 

… I see you.

And yet.

I do not seek to cancel you. I invite you to join me in a community of practice where we can learn from each other and grow our capacity to undertake the work of Justice, Equity, Diversity, Inclusion and Belonging with our clients. 

It is (and has been) exhausting to beat this drum alone. It is exhausting to be told that I am “too much” or that your community (donors/nonprofit and business leaders) “aren’t ready” for me or my work. Perhaps if you join me and if we create something new, your community won’t have the choice to ignore its white privilege.  But let me be clear - my commitment to justice-oriented work isn’t a business development choice. It’s not a choice at all. It is the only way I can live and breathe in this community. I have built my work and life around this non-choice - this calling. 

And if you don’t understand - then I need you to step back, take a seat, and pause for self-reflection. Are you dismantling white supremacy or perpetuating it? 

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Guest Blog: Our Common Desire to Step Up